Naturally these things gave way to pride, my longest foe. I began to receive compliments for so many things that I did for the sake of God, and shamefully ate up the good feeling that came with it, though the Spirit fought hard to keep me holy, reminding me that the glory belongs to God, and I am merely a vessel for His great works.
I kept telling myself that, but being the wretched sinner that I am, I gleefully allowed a few moments to reminisce, those exact moments, that glorifying moment of “popularity”. I’d tell myself, it’ll just be a few seconds of indulgence, but I should’ve known better. I do know better. Having been the slave of addictions after addictions (smoking, drinking, bingeing shows, bingeing food etc.), I could almost immediately identify my pride as yet another addiction that I have to overcome. And by God’s grace, I know I’ll get to the finish line. By God’s grace, when He receives me back to His heavenly Kingdom, my journey of sanctification will be completed.
But till then, the burden of sin will be a constant war within myself. It is only till recently that I grew a tinge of sensitivity to the frequency of my sins in my life, and it is only then that I started to understand what Jesus meant when he said His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt 11:28). I never really understood that because I knew that being a Christian meant having to suffer for God’s kingdom, I didn’t find anything easy about that. But more than anything, I realised that the weight of my sins are the heaviest burdens in my life, and Jesus yoke is easy and His burden is light because He has carried these sins for me, and I’ve handed it over to Him. It all sounds so conceptual and abstract when I put it this way, but it is an honest to God feeling, because I feel so weary from the constant battle with my sins, the sheer weight of it is crushing. To imagine having to attain righteousness before God by my own merits is not just a difficult task. It’s impossible. I’ll never be able to do it. Thank you Jesus.
So anyway, this wasn’t why I wanted to blog. Today I had a short meeting discussing the projects this year, and thank God I was on a creative streak today and had many ideas, many plans for my “vision” of our upcoming works. So eager am I to do the right thing for God that once again, I’ve allowed my pride to seep back tenderly into my heart. And just as I am made aware of this deadly sin, the verse from James 1:17 flashed across my mind, like a huge warning sign: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above...” I remember this verse very clearly because every Christmas, Tangs @ Orchard would put up a huge verse, and this one was very flashy and stuck out to me.
I struggled so hard to keep this pride down, and I had to pray there and then, on a mildly quiet Sunday afternoon amidst the rumbling engines of the bus I was on. I paused my music and I prayed. “Lord, put away my pride”, I said. “Lord, none of these ideas, none of these feeling of ‘holiness’, none of these passion came from me. It came from you, and I have no rights to be proud of it. If I boast, may I boast in your glory.”
And then I wanted to write this down because I think it’s a very real and very present battle that’s ongoing in every second of my life. And praise the Lord, because though I am still fighting, I know the battle has been won, for victory is in Jesus. (Learned this from today’s sermon, Rev 1:1-8).
When the day comes that I stumble and fall again, I hope to read this again and remember that the fight must go on.
It is my absolute honour to receive these skills from God, and to receive this passion for His works, and may He use my life as a vessel for His ministry, for His works, for His glory.
To God be the Glory forever and ever, amen.
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