It's strange to think that my grandparents have been there my entire life, as of now at the age of 26, yet I have now gone 18 days without his existence in this world, and in a couple of decades my dearly beloved grandfather will just have been a fraction of my life. A tiny percentage. I don't know what plans the Lord has for my grandmother, but she might just be another fraction as well.
It's strange to think about, and I find myself anxiously wondering what I'll forget about him in the times to come. I still remember the warmth of his gnarly big hands, the callouses that'd scrape against my skin, how he'd use those hands to lead me safely across the road, how he'll hold mine and tell me he loves me. But how long will I remember these? The last time I held his hands, they were cold and dead.
As it usually is with memories of smell, I am barely clinging on to the memory of his comforting scent. We threw his bolster last week because there wasn't really much of a point in keeping it, but my grandmother and I took in a deep breath of his scent deeply woven in its threads, before the bolster was unceremoniously tossed in the trash.
What else would I forget? Would I forget his laughter? I could always watch it again on video. What about his mannerisms? I used to be able to guess what he'd say, could I say the same ten, twenty years down the road? The jokes he used to tell, the jokes he would've cracked but would never again. Will I still remember him fondly when I tell jokes the way he used to? Will he slowly fade to be just a memory?
I would never know, and I feel sad thinking about it, because if God permits me to live till a ripe old age, then my grandfather's presence in my life will only have been a small quarter. Just a quarter of my possible lifespan.
It's weird to think about, but as of now, as I dearly hold on to these wonderful memories, he has been my entire life, and I love him with all I have.
天家见哦，爷爷，感谢赞美主！
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The last time I saw him was on the 28th of January 2020. He was in a terrible condition and his doctor has already warned us that his time is short. Yeye didn't know though, Dr Boo only told my grandmother, and she told us.
I went in on the 26th and he was panting and gasping for breath and he was feeling terrible. The clinics were all closed for the new year and there wasn't anything much we could do for him anyway. My grandmother was exhausted caring for him and I wanted to relieve her burdens so badly, but I could only help for 2-3 days.
I remember feeding him porridge, and he loved it because I knew exactly how to get him to eat. He has always told me that he preferred people to talk to him with care and love. I understood that perfectly because I was exactly the same. There were siew mais in it and I cut them into smaller pieces. He didn't have much of an appetite, but I think he ate more that day.
We also talked about his depression, and I shared my experience with it. He was surprised and we bonded over our struggles with the illness. I remember he told me, with depression, a single day feels like twenty years. I couldn't relate to that because it never go that bad with me. It broke my heart.
We went to the polyclinic on 28th I think. I was due home that evening. SY had hired a car to bring us both back. In the afternoon, it rained and my grandfather insisted to drive to the polyclinic to get medicine. He badly wanted the anti-depressants because he couldn't stand his emotional state anymore, he was constantly throwing a tantrum as well. My grandmother had to bear the brunt of his depression and I wanted more than anything to rescue her from it, I wanted to protect her with all of my being.
We settled his medications, had a laugh with the doctor, and drove back in the rain.
That evening we were lounging on the couch and it felt like old times, we talked, and he showered me with love. It was evening and the hired car was late.
Yeye was so reluctant to let me go, he told me the next time I see him he'll be in a coffin, and with my limited wisdom on his time left, I laughed it off. We hugged, for the last time forever, and he gave me a scruffy kiss on the cheek, and I said goodbye for the last time.
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I miss you a profound longing and I can't wait to see you again :'(
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