From Me To You

I don't want to sleep because I don't want the dreams to come.

I feel guilty because sometimes I forget he's not around anymore. I only interact with him a lot when I'm in Malaysia, so I'm not gonna pretend I miss him because I have this mindset that he's still there, still in church, still working, still being that cheerful man.

Then I remember, but my mind won't accept it because it's so unbelievable. I didn't attend the funeral, and they haven't had the wake memorial yet, so it haven't actually sunk in.. and I feel guilty as hell for feeling alright these days.

There was this once where I dreamt that he called me when I was in Malaysia, and I missed the call, and then he texted me to meet or something.. I can't remember.

Then I was so happy because in the dream, because somehow I sensed that I lost him, but it didn't register that he wasn't alive anymore.

And then it hit me. Then I realised that it wasn't him texting me, it was someone else using his phone.

That wasn't a nightmare though.

My nightmares are the worst. They're not even coherent dreams. They're just.. Horrible.. Does crazy things to my mind.